As I type this with no direction, my feelings are intermingling inside me. Mixed emotions compromising my abilities to flow with words, for a while now actually, which is why I have not allowed myself to write.

I suppose I am missing aspects of myself that will only be in memories, getting to know another side of an already multi-faceted self. As the days get closer to Rhythm's first breathe, every possible scenario runs through my thoughts. Some I allow myself to contemplate for a while, others so tragic I don't give them any energy at all. Though subconsciously they still linger bringing a tinge of fear that is quickly replaced with denial of the possibility of a tragic outcome. Believe it or not this is empowering to me, as it always has been throughout my life, though subjected to some very tragic events more often than not.

I noticed a smile as I wrote that last sentence, realizing the character building that has occured through those events. Now as I look within and prepare myself for myself as a mother, I see strength, integrity, and love along with a few instilled dysfunctions that I consciously contemplate so that I can be the best guide possible for this life that is going to have my whole heart. Balance is the answer to any question I pose.

As I write this, childhood thoughts come to the forefront of my mind, showing me my dreams and where I would muster strength to get through the hurt I felt in my heart. Thinking of times to come where I would be the center of a close and beautiful family, as a mother, and my intention would spread giving everyone strong feelings of peace and comfort. Daydreaming that my future was bright because I deserved it, for I had experienced darkness more than light. Now I am not disillusioned with my daydreams as a child, and this is not the first time I realized the impossibilities of my childhood visions of life with no darkness, all sunshine, no rain. However, those visions I defined as fantasies have actually been my path that is about to be brightened by the light of my child's arrival.

My brain keeps telling me as I write this how selfish I must sound. There are a lot of I's and me's and there is definitley another half to this equation. One that is so powerful with gentleness. Dedicated to nurture with such tenderness, that he is the strongest man I have ever been blessed to know. Patient with my stubborn heart which has tested his intentions, wanting to trust yet at times pulling away with such force that his preserverance left me lost within my own dysfunction left to pick up the pieces of myself that I don't even want to claim. As I analyze those pieces I realize that I have been blessed with the most beautiful man in the world. One whos pure heart bleeds selflessness with no blame, no games. Tears blur my vision as I think about his pure heart pouring his love into his child, and how blessed I am to get to witness such pure love and receive it so freely. My dedication is timeless, my love is forever, my gratitude will never fade. The man that sees through a masquerade has broken down the walls that have binded me from truly being, I am his forever, through any twist and turn, and honored to be sharing this life with him, making our dreams come true. I love you Patrick Tevis Green. You are already the best dad, and partner. All my love to you:)